these things - they haunt - I’ve not even a clue what they are - about insofar as I can't manage my own demons - not only or even know the demons I have what possible hope do I have - managing - identifying my blessings? i like to say I did this for that - that for this - reasons - always groping to find the underlying reasons when one of two things are true: either there are no reasons or there are so many reasons I’ve not a grain of chance putting them all in the "basket" i like to say I am a scientist - a geologist or a cyclist - backpacker - hiker - so as to find the underlying person - or at least to convince what audience I might have when one of two things are true: either I am those things in a genuine fashion or I am so long as my mouth moves (and I do so hate the duck that is not really a duck - anyway) that one of the great axioms of life is - nothing is so well understood as in the line of teaching the thing learnt that if you'd desire to understand a thing - explain it to somebody else - StandAndDeliver-fashion my pains - my successes - failures - heartbreaks - triumphs my experiences have earned me the right to sit this moment at these keys - designing drivel - making something where nothing was - meaninglessness - went out the door when I told it too - it all makes perfect sense to me because I went to my brother - -even though it didn't go the way as I had planned -i didn't mean for it to happen that way And so it is all well? and I’ve paid Heavens fare? though I hurt you and I didn't mean too - To what end do these means go? when the wronged cling to the wrong - becoming wrong themselves making themselves complete victims? that righteousness may be defined within each one of us - those scant few moments we rise out of bed each morning - what is important to me? Religion is not found in a church pew but while I pour AM coffee - contemplating myself in earnest My greatest sin? - when I could have forgiven some person over time and didn't And that even though I didn't ask God to create me - and sometimes I might be soar about that - he also made trout - insodoing - made this whole khabash "doable" if only every other Thursday in May It is not society's place to give me the worth of my life - but me myself - and I do so love to fish Something's in life are simple - the further away I get from it all the further away I am - and that "for free" doesn't exist in nature - nor should it while I might say - that is - on the one hand - "far be it from me to expect (whatever)" and then ask why not? because there are times when I feel particularly vulnerable - I kindly point out to myself I didn't create this life - though I may have created my circumstance - at least to a degree - deeper it was not me who reached into the misty spaces of nature to pull myself into existence - something "else" did that - though I find it ever so curious - my ancestors - like a rack of billiard balls - each one perfectly essential all slamming back to the rack - in such precise timing - so as to eject the cue eight-ball-break played in reverse is me is me Though my Spiritual Advisors might disagree - It's all about what I think It is all about what I think this life - me - career - family - money - things : crap (Goshdern Trout better start biting soon - Dammit- it's been too hot see - and without trout biting - I tend to focus on things that don't matter as much)